Alexandrinsky Theater - January 9, 1905

“Lenka go out and socialize, I fear I am dreadfully dull company this evening.” Pavel Medvedev said.

She laughed as she replied “You on a dull night is far more entertaining than most who consider themselves to be in high society.”

“Hmm.”

“Don’t get me wrong the baser aspects of my personality do love the gossip and rumors, but one can only take so much of prince so and so quarreling with prince whoever about a hand of cards or a race horse or a woman. And then the ladies they can be even worse. Perceived slights, jealousy, and bitter back biting. Oh your thoughtful comments put them all to shame.”

“They are creatures of their environment. They have never cultivated an ability to break free. They are doomed to act as every member of their class has always acted.”

“What makes you different?”

“I am an outsider.” Medvedev answered.

“What makes me different? Am I not also a creature of my environment?”

“You asked the question. It shows that you might be capable of independent thought.”

“Might? Might! What is this might all about?” She said in a mocking tone of anger.

Medvedev smiled, but Lenka could tell that he still was distracted by something.

“Do you have an idea you are mulling over?” She asked him in a more serious tone.

“This evening has become a moment of self reflection.”

“And what have you discovered?”

“That perhaps there is something more. Or more distressing perhaps there is nothing after all.”

“I don’t understand where you are coming from.”

“No, I imagine you would not. I have not articulated my thoughts well either because I don’t want to or because I’m incapable of doing so.”

“Which do you suppose it is?”

“Why do you care?”

Lenka looked at him for a split second while trying to decide which approach to take. She flirtatiously took his hand and said “because I want to dance with you and until you clear your mind you won’t. Come on. We are young, we can put our cares off until another day.”

Medvedev smiled but said nothing.

“I know you want to scoop me up in your arms and get lost in my eyes on the dance floor.”

“And so much more.”

“Then why don’t you? You know I would consent to the dance floor at least.” She said with a grin.

“I met a man today.”

Disappointed Lenka sat down again and said “I imagine you meet many men and women every day.”

“Admittedly, but this man was different.”

“Probably not.”

“No, I assure you he was. He has something that I lack.”

“Well then you will have to introduce me to him.”

“You would find him utterly disdainful in every way.”

“But I bet he wouldn’t turn me down when I ask him for a dance.”

“You are giving me a way to end this conversation and I should probably take it. But I want to explore this idea a little bit further.”

“And how will that end?”

Medvedev shrugged his shoulders “There is no way to know until we know. But probably in heartache or something so much better.”

“Speak your peace before I leave. Tell me about this man who is so much more interesting than me.”

“I don’t know that he is anywhere near as interesting as you. At least not interesting in the same way.”

“Get to the point!”

“This man had something that I lack completely. Before I met him I judged him to be a fool and he probably is. I don’t think I am wrong about that.”

“Words, words, words. You say words tonight that don’t actually say anything.” She said throwing her arms up in the air in exasperation.

“The man himself was not the important thing.”

“Here we go again.”

“He had conviction. Lenka, he had a cause and he was committed to it.”

“What is so special about that? Everyone has a cause.”

“I don’t.” Medvedev said calmly. “At least not like this.”

“What about your writing?”

“It means nothing to me. I could throw it all away and never miss it. But this man he will march down the street tomorrow knowing that he will get his teeth kicked in because he feels his cause is just.”

“Is it?”

“Is what?”

“His cause just?”

“Does it matter? Just to have that conviction.”

“Of course it matters.”

“He converted me to his cause to the extent it is possible.”

“What do you mean?”

“I will march with him and get my teeth knocked out as well.”

“But why?”

“To see if I feel anything.”

“Oh course you will feel someone knocking your teeth.”

“Well physical pain of course, but am I capable of feeling something deeper? Isn’t there something more?”

“If there is or there isn’t I would suggest a different way of finding out.”

“No, don’t you see it has to be this way.”

“I don’t see.”

“Ok let me try this another way. I don’t care about people. They are a means to an end. Typically my pleasure. I do what I want when I want and seek only to maximize my pleasure. The man I told you about is a fool because he is embarking on a path that will get him kicked in the mouth. He works in a factory. Well I presume he does. Now depending on the time of day and my mood I might enjoy seeing a fool get beat up and left bleeding in the street. But for some reason this man’s conviction has converted me.

Normally such actions would provide a topic of conversation. I can easily mock him for his stance. I can raise him on a pedestal for his actions. I can toy with others emotions and get them to love or hate this man all on a whim. But I cannot relate to this man. I have never felt what he feels.”

“So you are unhappy?”

“No, I am a hedonist of the highest order, everything I do is for my pleasure above all else. I am also a nihilist which allows me to feel no remorse for any action I take.”

“That would make you a monster.”

“No, it has allowed me to see the future in all of its infinite horrors. Death and destruction are at our doorstep.”

“You always had a flair for the melodramatic but tonight you are taking it to the next level.

“I want to believe in something Lenka.”

“Then believe in something. But it doesn’t have to be the first thing that catches your attention.”

“Life is too arbitrary and capricious. There can be no meaning or purpose to it.”

“You have to find the purpose and meaning.”

“In the midst of such turmoil what purpose and meaning could I possibly find?”

“What world are you living in? We are not surrounded by chaos.”

“You live the life of an aristocrat completely shielded from the real world.”

“Tell me about this terrible world.”

“People fight and claw just to survive each day. They lack enough food and catch horrible diseases. They are spit upon and looked down on. They find hope in the one thing they think they can control, love and even in this they are unfortunate. In one instance the wife dies in childbirth and in the next the husband beats and cheats on his wife. These wretched little lives. They are so miserable that they are not worth mentioning. So they reach a breaking point and they take to the streets. What do they want? Dignity. A chance at a better life. Will they get it? No. They will be beaten and thrown in prison. They will be evicted from their apartments and freeze to death. What was their crime? To be born poor.

“You are exaggerating.”

“Speak to me tomorrow night and see how much of an exaggeration it is. Tomorrow morning the factory workers will march to the palace to beg for a better life. The Tzar will not see them. The fools actually believe that he cares about them. He only cares about his power. They will be arrested and their miserable lives will only get worse. Your companions in high society will say they got what they deserved. They are so far removed from the people they can’t comprehend any need for reform.”

“And you plan to march with them tomorrow?”

“I will.”

“But it is so beneath you and extreme. Why it is revolutionary.”

“No, these are no revolutionaries. But the wrong response from the government might convert them.”

“So you would defend their course of action?”

“No, it will usher in a period of death and famine.”

“But you will march?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to feel that conviction.”

“It doesn’t make any sense.”

“I can continue to think only of myself and look on with passive indifference as death and famine engulf us. Or I can look beyond myself and try to do something.”

“Even when you know it is doomed to failure?”

“Perhaps because it is doomed to fail.”

“It is madness and foolishness.”

“It will make me feel alive.”

“There must be other ways?”

“Yes, of course. You owe me a dance. We are young and the music is calling our names.”

“Pasha don’t get yourself exiled or sent to prison tomorrow.”

“It almost sounds like you would miss me.”